let me introduce you to an introvert

2002-10-03T15:12:00.000-04:00

it has been well over seven months since i have posted anything here. the last post was in reference to a fantastically expensive piece of jewelry that i purchased in effort to symbolize the love and commitment i have for the woman who is to become my wife. i have spent the last few months toiling away at a job i knew would end. i have been working so that i may provide for the family i will one day have. (and for a few nice things for myself here and there) i think though the one thing i missed most about not working 7:30-5:00 was the sun light. there is so much of it. it is amazing how it can fill whole rooms, when what you are used to is fake fluorescent lighting. you don’t realize how much people are impacted by the lack of light.
people in alaska, during the longest night, have false sunlight bulbs because the natural light is essential to a person's well being.
i am reminded of necessities in life when i am driving most often. not because driving is some form of meditation (anything but) but that is when my mind has time to itself and time to course over the winding and often rugged back roads in life. i have time to miss people and wonder why we do that. time to wonder how polarized sunglasses work. if people see colors or taste or see sounds differently than others. i have time to wonder why i am loved at all and how it is that a woman so incredible would even begin to tolerate me. or how i would have even done the same. there is time to think of the plans i have made, that will either fail or succeed, and the repercussions of either event. time to talk to people i have missed, and people i have just finished seeing. the car is a great place to think, if only we could have it be a helper to follow through.
i am not so much a following through person. i am good with ideas and good with planning, but if you were to have actually complete my idea... well there might have to be a small task force behind that one. i started cleaning today. you know that point of cleaning where there is actually a bigger mess than there was to start? that is where i got disillusioned and began looking over my auctions pending on e-bay, looking at guitars i cant afford and wondering why when i just got one that was a stretch for me to buy in the first place. (it sounds amazing though) and again i am having the strong urge to not finish what i sat down to do (which in all truth was an attempt to nit finish what i had set out to do before that and so on...) which is to give an update of sorts to where i am and what i am doing for those of you who may run across this page in your attempts to not finish what you have started.

so... how would you describe the last 8 months of your life
"you don’t go for small talk do you? well they have been incredibly busy. i am learning probably far more about medication that i would have ever expressed interest in as a child. and then there is the whole working at the church thing. which is pretty good with the exception of having to be there every sunday and never visiting my friends at their churches or not having a full weekend to relax with your fiancé. umm then there is that feeling that you are slowly getting older, you have more money but it goes oh so fast, and you realize there is so much that you want to do in life, but there are responsibilities that must be met... and on and on. you know general mid twenties type stuff."
unh huh, and what about this alleged "woman in your life"
"that would be harmony. she is great. really i don’t think any one has ever made me feel more at ease or rounded me out better than she does. i have dated a few people here and there messed up plenty of times. but i think all of it was to show me how wonderful that "one" person will be in your life. it is really kind of an interesting story... but i will save that one for later. lets just say that yes she is the woman i am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with. she really is something special.
and how about the people in the town where you used to live?
"i actually talk to them a good bit more now (within the past few months) than i have in a long time. it is very important for me to make sure my roots are well established. and i very much do not want to loose my friends who were and still are so very dear to me. i miss them all, more that i realized i would. so much so that i haven’t even spent time here trying to make new friends but have racked plenty of miles on my car going back and forth to see them. the people in my college town were very influential in my life as it has taken shape and i am thankful for them daily. "
well people are probably thinking that you are a little strange for interviewing yourself, so lets end it here.
"ok"

2002-02-13T21:36:00.000-05:00

today i have made the second largest purchase of my thus far lived life. not that the amount of money is anything, but the reason i bought this item is far more than its value could ever feign to be.

2002-02-06T23:25:00.000-05:00

i miss every one else too

2002-02-06T23:20:00.000-05:00

eyes weary and red, a stomach that aches with dull hunger. there is little more i would like to do now than to shut the world from my sleep heavy eyes. my soul is tired my friends are far, and i wonder if they float farther through the night. maybe i can keep them for a moment or two, like a child trying to hold the snowflake to show mom. somehow i think they may be melting, or is it me? memory seems to serve if what you want is cold meatloaf. sometimes i feel like i am little more than reheated lima beans; others like a filet mignon.
i would probably whine about something if there was nothing to complain about, and so i must be content in what i do have now. i know i have friends who love me, though distant they may seem. i know i have my family, they may never forsake me, and i know i have my saviour. a God who patiently scrubs me of my filth and nastiness. one that wants to present me (at times the most vile creature on earth) as pure and perfect to himself. why i may never know but i know one thing... i am his. may joy never cease. this, like any other night, is one that he would gladly have cold meatloaf and reheated lima beans just because he wanted them.
maybe the rain will bring freshness to the day, perhaps the downpour will continue to soak the earth. Lord knows we need more than just rain. it has been a long day. a good day, but long. (maybe those are the best kind) i love you guys; chris, andrew and sam.

2002-01-25T22:34:00.000-05:00

"are you serious?" i ask myself. i cant believe it has already been more than a month since you began this job. in some ways it feels so short as if i only just left my college town behind. but in others i feel the age that i have now accepted slowly creeping up on me. while watching fight club (or maybe it was office space) there was a short phrase that was overlooked but tucked away in the back of my mind... "we are meant for more than this." i work inside all day to come home and barely have the energy to eat dinner, much less actually enjoy the remaining 7 hours in the day. there must be more than working so that i can have stuff, there must be.
i did not realize growing up would mean doing so little. i work and i eat, there is sleep and the occasional book thrown in as well. i dont have cable so you really cant blame my lack of excitement on the boob tube. i have become the worker ant serving his colony, but i will rise, i will rise, rise, rise. one day i will be enjoying my work. right?
i got the text book for what i am told will be my hardest class ever, medicinal chemistry. it is an understated book, just a plain blue cover with blue words, nothing fancy. here is what i was told by the pharmacist i work for about this text book "it's a good read." ??? please raise your hand if you too think he may be just a bit off the deep end. the next book i get from him is going to be the one that prepares me for the georgia state board of certification for pharmacists. yes i am 3 years early but it never hurts to be prepared does it?
i went to gainesville a couple of weeks ago and had dinner with some good old friends and a couple of new people as well. it was good to be back in that town and to feel the lack of cares that a college life affords. i knew i was different but i did not want to be. i miss the days of doing nothing if that is what i wanted to do. i was poor as dirt, but dirt is every where, even in the richest mans house. i had the freedom to go as i pleased, or to stay if i so chose. i think more than my freedom i miss the people i had in gainesville. the people there were the only close friends i have had for the past years. i miss having companionship. having roommates to scrape up the change from your laundry hamper to get chinese food, or buying beer instead of real food. i miss groping along the same obscured path, but knowing you were not the only one trying to find your way. i miss being able to show those people i love them as much as i do, and knowing they do the same, even if we were just bumming around the house.
i dont think i fully realized the way my roomies and friends affected me until i moved away. i am thankful for the blessing of knowing them and having them be a part of my life.
it is now 10:30 WAY past my bed time. i think i will sleep for a bit, but i will write more soon...

2001-12-14T17:25:00.000-05:00

it is official. i am starting a new job on monday. i got the call yesterday afternoon. went kind of like this...
"hello?"
"hey, christian it is your mom."
"hey, whats up? is everything ok?"
"yeah. what do you think about working the 17th through 21st and then 5 hours on the 24th and then having off until the second?"
"say that again."
she does and i respond...
"ARE YOU SERIOUS???"
this was such a blessing for i thought i would have to wait until the 2nd of jan to start as it was. now i can begin to save money towards the many big purchases i have in the up coming months. ok and also i was not sure i was going to get hired. i am supposed to get my test results back to tell if i am eligible to work in the pharmacy. however, they want to hire me having not even seen those results. yeah i am a little pumped about that one. still though this is my last weekend here in gainesville. we are going to outback tonight, a kind of going away party, last hoorah type of deal. i cant do too much tonight, as i have to be at the church all day tomorrow 1)helping the youth with their service project 2)we have our staff christmas party that night as well. and ten after that i have to drive up to ga pick up mom's truck and start bringing stuff up moving is always so, so , so much fun. there are so many little things to take care of, so much stuff that i was thinking i had time to do.
i heard some of my friends were going up to athens last night, i was a little sad that i was not asked. would have been a good surprise and have provided ample distraction for harmony from her finals. reading jason's blog this morning though proved my desires would have proved futile indeed.then talking with harmony i am glad i did not make that trek had it proved to be successful, for she has just finished her work within the past 2 hours. yes that was even pulling an all nighter. still the chance to be around people i was close to last night was appealing, so i went to a wine and cheese party. nice upscale social gathering, no where near as uncomfortable as large gatherings. it was good to be surrounded by people i have known for at least a year or so on that one of my last days here. my shower is calling me.

2001-12-12T15:49:00.000-05:00

after an hour and a half working in the pharmacy today i am certain that i can do this, especially for approx 12 an hour. there is definitely nothing extraordinarily hard about it, a little use of people skills and making sure you follow directions. so why do pharmacists make so much money?? i will definitely be looking forward to getting out of pharmacy school, though the sticker price of going is going to kill me i am sure. i have to get ready for my usual wednesday night youth program now, i will be on the road in less than an hour. this is my last full weekend in gainesville. (i think) kind of weird to mull over that in my head. so much to be done... but that is why the holidays are here right? to make our lives more complex, and to stress us out?? if not then some one ought to tell the world to slow down just a bit and realize there is more to life than they see. holidays are not commercialism glitzed up but a time to rejoice for the grace given to man kind. even "we" forget about it. the church often gets sucked right in, not so much with the commercialism, though christianity has been made one big consumer item, but with the business of the season. forgetting that serving is not all we are called to do, we are called to worship, we are called... and that in itself is enough to marvel about.

2001-12-12T11:00:00.000-05:00

a morning listening to the rain fall to the sound of good music. the bitterness of the coffee i am drinking now is overwhelming. but it is coffee, and though not my favorite brand it is at least somewhat resemblant of it. there has been a mist covering the sky, hovering over the ground for almost 2 days now. a concealing haze, as though there were something the world was trying to hide from my eyes, some great splendor, clothed in mystery. the chill in the air brings me closer to the feeling of being home. i will definitely be glad to have colder weather, to have family with me.

2001-12-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

i am leaving the only place i have known as home in my short adult life. but the strange thing is, i am going home??? events and people have shaped my life, as i have been a tool for shaping others. i like to think of chris' student id picture and his driver's license picture; knowing some where in between i came. it has been wonderful being able to have a constant friend for so much of the time i have been in gainesville. we have been roommates for 3 years now, chris and i. this is quite possibly the longest most significant relationship i have had with a person of the male persuasion in my life. strange isnt it how we are provided with blessings with out even asking for them. i dont think i would have ever asked to know chris, i did not even know he existed. but now he will be the best man at my one day wedding, he is my closest confidante and my best friend.
the past month i have known i would probably be moving back north and living with mom for the next 8 months, while i work in a pharmacy. it has definitely been a time of reflection, a time that i have looked forward to and a time that i have dreaded. i have to tell myself daily that this move is good, and i have to remind myself why i am not already gone five minutes later... if ever there was a paradox. i suppose life will continue with out the people i know being by my side. all of the others i knew when i moved to gainesville 5 years ago have not ceased to live. though, they have long since begun to fade from daily memory; being dredged up with a nostalgic reference here or there. i miss those people, sometimes. i am afraid this is what will happen with the people i leave behind. i will move on, remembered but forgotten by those left behind. i am afraid that i too will forget, and there will be a void just as before their entrance into my life.
fears of leaving cause this old man to stay in the town who no longer needs him, fears of leaving keep us safe, fears of leaving cement relationships, while they build up walls to match that pace. i have grown old, i can see where i dont belong, but am i too damn scared or maybe just too tired to try leaving this town.

2001-12-09T01:55:00.000-05:00

so i have taken a reprieve from writing here. this was not due to my unfortunate early demise, nor was it the cause of aliens who thought i would make a perfect specimen. (though these two would have made for far better stories) my absence, if you even noticed i was absent, was in fact due to the large volume of reading i have done in the past four days. i have consumed more than 1600 pages in that time frame. more than i usually read in a month or two. i like so many others have found myself being pulled deeper and deeper into the world of Harry Potter. i read the first book the day of the premier, and then saw the movie that night. this week while up in georgia, i acquired a copy of the second in the series, and consumed its contents in less than a day. this started my quest for the third, and finally the fourth books.
all in all i would say that i am pleased having read them, and am looking forward to the fifth book coming out soon. but more than harry potter, i am glad to be reading again. it has been quite some time since i have had an appetite for reading. now, that appetite seems unable to be assuaged. the next books i am going to read are those in the lord of the ring series. i will not be the hermit i have been the past four days though. my mom does not have tv, and i would rather read than watch it any way so when i finish my day of work, i will come home and begin to read something. i suppose it will give me something to look forward to at the end of the day, meeting new people, and seeing their lives unfold on the pages before me. weaving a fabric of imagination so delicate and so complex, only could perceive the intricacies held within.
any suggestions for me once i have finished those?? good morning

2001-11-29T13:36:00.000-05:00

there is this little film i mentioned earlier in my blog. i have found the joy of a new trailer that is downloadable. and i am going to have to buy the dvd of episode 1 so i can see the other new trailer that is only seen when you look at the web site with the dvd in your computer...
"with 2 new characters, the dwarf and the wizard. WOW the dwarf has a battle axe" -guy at block buster that i made fun of a while back
"wow a special website with the dvd" -me being made fun of by all normal people...
i am a dork, but at least i know it right? i mean i pretend to be cool, but really i am not. i know i never will be, and i know that all of my striving only proves how desperate an attempt it is for me to try being cool. i like books and sci-fi (yes star-trek included) i am a big nerd. i guess thats why it is not all that odd i would choose a profession which surrounds me with medicine all day long. i would just be there making sure people were right. and that i knew everything about most of the drugs in my immediate surroundings. i am going to be a pharmacist. but i will try to be a cool one. there is always the exception to the rule, right?? isnt there? please tell me it isnt so...

2001-11-29T00:08:00.000-05:00

i got it working, i got it working, i got it working...
i cam home and installed dsl on my mom's computer, and it works, hahaha! i think i would normally have a beer right now. yes that would be good. but she only has nerds, and reese's cups. to bed then. smiling though...

2001-11-28T15:25:00.000-05:00

i must say... the people at snorland were very helpful. they gave me this reply within hours of my e-mail requesting help.

"I've found the problem.. it seems that when you installed Snorcomments, you
accidentally knocked a > off your < HEAD > tag.. most unfortunate... if you
take a look..

" < HEAD < SCRIPT"

should be:

" < HEAD > < SCRIP"

something so small, and yet totally debilitating. isnt that always the case. now i can go back about my exciting life, playing guitar, and hoping i might one day be good enough that people would want to listen to my songs as much as i want to listen to theirs. i suppose that is the reason for the comment boxes, to know what others think. even if they think it is total bs, just to know that there was some sort of spark there.
i am soon back on the road for another exciting trip home (seriously). this one however, includes visits to the hair stylist, family, and friends in south georgia. sometimes i think it odd i drive nearly 1 hour and 15 min just to get my hair cut. but i am loyal to quality i suppose. the same guy has been cutting my hair for nearly 9 years. i get all of my groceries from one store, i like certain tooth paste, and electronic stuff. ahh the joy of a repeat customer. but then again, i can be quite a pain if i am poorly treated... loyalty in its finest.

i have to get ready for youth and for the trip north. wish me luck, big news may be coming soon... and a move too.

2001-11-25T00:36:00.000-05:00

trying to use snorland's comment thingy. and i dont exactly understand where i am to put the code... kristen or some one help... please???

2001-11-24T19:10:00.000-05:00

i am looking at dvd systems. sony has come out with some pretty nice stuff. what do i want most. this is always the dilemma. if my life were only more simple (joking!)

2001-11-24T00:48:00.000-05:00

get "the valley of vision." read it.

2001-11-23T18:41:00.000-05:00

why do grown men get so excited over something so trivial as a short introduction. i went to see monsters inc. and before the movie started there was this. yes, it was fantastic. yes, i felt my adrenaline rush. yes, i too was enthralled, and even let out a whoop or two. there is something magical about the story that unfolds. lucas makes it seem to cry to; our inner hero, our innate sense of adventure, and to our childlike imagination all at once.
i am very excited to see this movie. very, very excited. yes i will be one of those people that waits in line for over 24 hours if needed to get tickets for opening day. i will take a day off of work, i will even buy movie theater popcorn, instead of (perhaps in addition to) bringing my own snacks. there are not many movies i see in the theater. this year has been limited to monsters inc, and harry potter, and the sorcerers' stone, (though in england it is the philosopher's stone??). both of which happened to have different trailers for the new star wars episode 2 movie. i like movies, but so few are done well enough to warrant the fee charged by greedy movie companies. i think these two were worth the fee, just for the trailer. though i enjoyed both movies intrinsicly.
i guess this is spurred on, due to prevailing weather conditions, and the abundance of video rentals acquired prior to the thanksgiving holiday. i am about to watch crouching tiger, hidden dragon i will let you know what i think.

2001-11-23T01:14:00.000-05:00

my family is very important to me. i realized this this afternoon as i was sitting down to pray for our thanksgiving meal. my mom has given everything for my brother and i. sometimes i feel like i am doing alright with this, but mostly i know i have so much for which i neglect to thank her. today was a very good day. i have been able to enjoy this day at home with my family, for only the second time in nearly 7 years.
also makes em think about the family that i dont know. i got to talk to my father earlier this week. i finally broke down my stubbornness and called him. i think it had been 3 or 4 months, since we last talked. i am also thankful for my father, and for the example i see him set forth. i have learned a lot from him, a lot of what i dont want to do. now, i dont want you to get me wrong, i am not bitter in our relationship. i realize it is one that will come like the tide. often washing away what was built up before, never the less completing a cycle that shapes the earth.
i want to be a good father to my children. i want to be a good husband to my wife. i am thankful for the examples outside of my family, for if i had to depend on only what was around me i would think it hopeless. patience christian, patience.

2001-11-22T00:46:00.000-05:00

my day has come to a close and i am at home. i am feeling less anxious here. it is good to be with family, it is good to be home

2001-11-19T17:25:00.000-05:00

i have a bad case of "the i wants." it is a highly infectious disease that over runs one's nervous system, and causes nearly debilitating dementia. went driving around today and it seems the more i drove, the larger the ticket prices got. sigh... first comes the paycheck, and then the process of digging one's self out of debt and then... then i may further increase my debt to earning ratio. hahaha.
i played a very nice guitar today, however i had one small problem. there was this sales man. he came in just after i had tuned the guitar (maybe 1 min after i walked in the store) began to ask me...
"can i help you with anything?"
i smiled and politely said "no, i am just looking for something that strikes me."
"what were you looking for?"
getting frustrated because his voice was much more annoying than the wonderful sound of the guitar. i told him "i was looking for a taylor 12 string..." ( i knew they had none so i thought he would leave.)
oh was i wrong. he proceeded to tell me that i should look at an alvarez guitar that they had in the store.
again, politely i declined. stating that i was interested in something with the build quality of taylor and the playability along those lines.
this uneducated person babbled on about the alvarez and how it was "a comparable guitar, and a bargain at that." only 200 dollars or so. (mind you at the time i had a 2500 dollar guitar in my hands)
"no thanks"
well you should look at one of these martins here, i think the sound is far better in the unfinished ones than the ones with a lacquer on them."
"???" sigh
"fine let me look at an american banjo (they did not have these either)"
he handed me some horrible object and told me "the heavier they are they better i have heard... and this one is heavy"
"???" sigh
i put it in tune and picked around a bit, and then left.
all i wanted to do was to play the guitar i had picked up. i am not a wealthy man but i do know what proper service is, and well... i like to be treated with respect, and served by people who know what they are actually talking about. if this was a perfect world.

2001-11-19T13:10:00.000-05:00

when opportunity strikes...?
i have been offered a job if my test scores come back high enough. not bad for some one my age i will make about 41 a year. the hitch is... i would have to move in january. still 8 months on my lease, but it would be worth it monetarily. my issues lie in leaving my friends and the only town i have really known as my own in my adult life. i dont belong here. i have past the age that i fit in. i mean perhaps if i were a professional, perhaps if i were a social butterfly. but i am neither, and so i weigh heavily the option before me, thinking it might be good to move on. thinking it will be sad to close another chapter in my life. more friends i will see only on occasion.
the italians have heirloom sheets. these are handed down from generation to generation, and are extremely valuable, not even considering the sentimental worth. what would you sell your sheets for? i think i would sell them for love. not in that selling would allow me to love, but if i had love and the only way i would be able to provide for and be with that love would be selling my sheets; i would.
really quite an interesting concept. i think if i were a poet i would write something along those lines.
i am starting to out grow my pants. i need to run again.
i can smile at the thought of life, and for that i am thankful.

2001-11-11T18:54:00.000-05:00

i hate it when my stuff is gone. i like my roomies, and i like their friends... i dont even mind lending them my stuff. but when it is gone, and i dont know where it is because it was just taken i get a little agitated.
i was going to cook tonight, but not any more. oh well.
i probably should not get so upset by such trivial things but i do and this seems to be my flaw today. i am usually a really laid back guy. i am usually tolerant of such things, but not today.
i dont want to be here any more. i dont belong. i have grown out of this town, my skin is itching to be shed. i can see a future laying out before me, and i am happy that it is beginning to come out of the mist which hinders my vision. i really dont want to be around people tonight. i want to be loved, i want to be held, and know that i belong. to know i am important to someone. i am whining i know. i will stop bothering you with this.

2001-11-02T09:44:00.000-05:00

ended up sleeping almost half of the day yesterday. i just cant pull an all nighter like i used to when i was young. still the sleep was good and when i woke up i began to finish the project i had started on for mom. i am cleaning her house. no big deal you say? haha, i scoff at that notion. the undertaking of this project was done with the full understanding that a)my mom is a packrat, and 2)i have a 16 year old brother who lives at home. no that does not seem much, until you add the other quantifiers: mom usually works 14 hour days, and my brother gets up at 6 AM for school and is not home until usually 8 or 9 PM. so when they get home, it is off with the junk of the day and lets create more. i was presented with a daunting task, to say the least.

after four 50 gallon trashbags, i can now rest a little easier. i have cleaned the bathroom, living room (sans computer desks), kitchen, guest room, i even started on my brothers room! not bad for three days worth of work. it is going to be weird moving back in with mom next year. i definitely wont be able to stand the mess for a long time. after living on my own for nearly 6 years now, going back seems so alien to me. i have learned a lot and changed even more. to be put back in a dynamic of having a 'rental unit that close to me will be... yeah.

oh and by the way, i have fever. new car fever, i have been struck with it for quite some time. my car is approaching year 12 of its life, and mile 190000. jezebel has been a good car, but she needs some help, a nip here a tuck there, and there is always the new a/c compressor, and paint... i could go on, but she really has been good to me. i dont want to get rid of my car. there is something fun about having a little red convertible to zip around town in. oh yes, she still zips. but i am getting older now and i am looking at something with more room, for stuff... and one day a family. but in the mean time just me and my stuff. so i mention this because i was this () close to getting a new car 4 weeks ago, and that fell through. but i am still looking and if i find what i want, i am going to get it. i see something i want... now to haggle...

2001-11-01T04:11:00.001-05:00

it posted twice?? why??

2001-11-01T04:11:00.000-05:00

ordinarily this would be far past my bed time, ordinarily i would be cuddled deep within my own covers. but then again ordinarily i would not be taking my brother to school in 45 min. he is not even up yet. they have a drama competition somewhere in central georgia, and must be bussed to the location. so while my mother is gone for the week on a business trip i am assuming the roles of the 'rental unit.
i have spent the evening reading various blogs, buying things on ebay (what a wonderful gift to consumerism) and talking to friends here and there. i just finished talking with one of my closest friends a few moments ago (see previous post as to my reaction). chris has been my roomie for 3 years now and we have gotten along pretty well, i can only think of a few times when there had been strife between us. a blessing indeed.

i have intentionally avoided people these past weeks. is that right? i am just following through with the standard that i think was set before me. if you are not welcome... right?

i think i am going to sleep a good bit this afternoon. or i may just stay up until i can no longer stand it, finally collapsing into a bed this evening after i do all of the fun things that are neglected when 2 boys are left to themselves. as for now i must wake the sleeping monster upstairs.

if you dont hear from me in 5 call the police...

2001-11-01T03:35:00.000-05:00

well i'll be damned...

2001-10-31T23:32:00.000-05:00

this a day to be remembered for something that is a rarity that is oft' spoken of, yet rarely recognized. a blue moon was gracing our southern skies tonight. this is only the second blue moon to come on all hallows eve since 1955. sure it is no hale-bop but something to notice and appreciate. it was a very lovely evening. there was a slight haze in the sky that lasted until past dusk, just dusting the moon with a blanket of cover. a halo was given our celestial neighbour, who was then surrounded with pin holes of light peering in upon its proximity.
i was able to talk with some very dear friends tonight, some of whom i have not spoken with in months. i like to be those stars peering in on the proximity that a real friend would have in their lives. i am kept at bay, by time and distance, knowing i will never quite reach the brilliance for which i long. but it is good to look, to everyonce in a while plkay catch up in others lives, to pretend you are still close, knowing you will be woefully lacking when it comes to being a friend.

i think i pour out all of my bad things here. i do not want you to think i am miserable or a constantly tormented soul. i have a good many joyous moments. those moments are not the ones that stick with me, those are not the ones i need to voice. so, i vent here. thanks for listening. i am sorry for the incoherence which plauges my writing. there is an association with almost everything, though you may not see it, the thoughts are one laminar flow in my head.

i am getting up way to early in the morning. so i need to say good night.
good night

2001-10-31T07:50:00.000-05:00

i have a pretty bad headache right now. it is weird, i take medicine to prevent migraines everyday, but occasionally smaller headaches still come. this is a larger smaller one. i am sure that if i was not daily drugged up i would have a serious migraine right now.

i worry.

i am sure that everyone on this planet worries about things here and there, but i do it a good bit. i guess if thought about for a long while the conclusion would come that worrying is kind of contradictory to what i believe. being 1) a christian, and 2) a calvinistic one at that; i am supposed trust God in everything. are my anxious thoughts a sort of disbelief, perhaps they border on rebellion? to question the infinite wisdom and power of God has always been shown in scripture to be folly. yet, i know this and still i have trouble resting my troubled thoughts in the comfort of his providence, and in his grace.
there was a period of over a year when i could not "feel" God, not too long ago. i knew much about my faith, why i believed what i do, how things work. i had a good base knowledge in scripture, but there is more than just a mental assent to the truth of God's word and character. i was not happy, i was not sad, i just was. and it felt miserable. i wanted badly to take joy in something, to not just go through the motions, but to actually have desire again. and i worried, and wondered about that too.

2001-10-30T21:38:00.000-05:00

there is this hollowness that forms in the pit of my stomach when i think about it. a kind of numbness that you feel when you are helpless. when you want to do something profound, some near miracle, that you know is far beyond your grasp.
the last thing i wanted to deal with tonight was the knowledge that no matter how much i try to escape it mortality still tracks me down, still knocks on my door, letting me know how fragile life really is. harmony had a biopsy done this morning. it is frightening to think someone my age, if not just a little younger may have an unseen killer. cancer is so indiscriminate. it does not come to those who have wronged it, it does not come to the unliked, or to the extremely popular alone. no, that would be only to easy.
so i must wait fourteen days and the message will come. there are a good many minutes in fourteen days, many of which will seem like years.

2001-10-28T22:18:00.000-05:00

3 things to remember...
3)when going to a place where allergens abound in copious quantities, take allergy medication BEFORE arriving at said location

2)chapstick is a wonderful thing to have in cold weather

1)going home is never the same after being gone for so many years...

2001-10-22T13:52:00.000-04:00

i was looking through a door the other night at our coffee haven, and i saw finger prints on the window. at first i thought about the smudge marks left on the glass and what a nuisance they were to me. i was trying to see through the door, but my focus kept changing back to those damn prints!? after much thought and deliberation i realized they were not a nuisance as i had previously thought, but a strange grace if you will. i could see the mark left by human filth, and it was a distraction from the utopia that i was imagining beyond the glass.
a utopia that can never be reached, for there is a pane separating my world from that i may envision. the smudges allow me to take my focus from that world i can never have and appreciate the blessings and trials i have faced in this imperfect world. i know with each beating of my heart there is some eternal plan being furthered. i know that i am here to face struggles, to laugh, to love, and to feel. i think people imagine a perfect life as one with out hardships. i dont think, as we are built, that would at all satisfy us. the wrestling that we do allows us to learn the joys of freedom from struggle.
the print lets me see the realness of this world, and the cardboard front that i might put up for the other one.
i dont think i have ever been so pleasantly surprised with the smell of wet cardboard, as i am recalling it now.

2001-10-19T01:30:00.000-04:00

my hair is crazy and wild. took the advice of a friend and just let it go today. kind of fun. i was out taking pictures and got to feel the wind blowing through my head.
went to orlando, and took my roomies to the airport. while i was there i got to visit one of my better friends. his birthday is tomorrow, 25th, wow. we had a good time. i dont often see him any more but when i am able to it is wonderful. truly a blessing in my life...
when i came home i went out to eat with chris, though i had just eaten a few hours before with tommy. libations, and small amounts of food can be good times when done in moderation. (i like beer)
it is well past my bed time and my mind is racing from the days events, but my body is exhausted. i am going to bed, hope yours holds you tight

2001-10-18T13:51:00.000-04:00

i hear the beauty of an east coast sunrise is one to which little else compares.
i did not discover this myself today. yet again i slept. there is something about getting up @ 4 only to drive out to watch the sun rise take some pictures and then drive home that does not exactly appeal to me. this is of course when i am making the drive alone, to share the picture with only myself. kind of like cooking. i love to cook. however, i hate cooking for myself. i am extremely hungry now, and probably have food in my house that would be wonderful if i took the time to prepare it. something holds me back from doing so. cooking for yourself is almost asking for that feeling of loneliness to creep up and snatch hold of you. at least in my opinion.
when i first moved to this town i would cook for 15 -20 people every other week. starting at 9 or 10 in the morning to eat around 7, i would hurry away my entire day in the kitchen, loving every minute of it. but now i cant stand to be in there for five seconds if i am not doing something for someone else.
one day... sigh.

2001-10-18T01:24:00.000-04:00

with so much drama in the lbc...
why things have to be so OVER WORKED and tedious i may not understand. sigh.
i am going to make it to the sun rise today( it is now 1 am, i leave in 3 hours)
i will let you know how things go.

2001-10-17T09:08:00.000-04:00

no longer can i blame those stupid little batteries. no, this time it was my own lack of motivation. i think i will get up one day and see the sun rise. it is only a few hours until i reach the shore form my house. i would love to be able to go back out west and take some pictures there. lots of ideas, just no means by which to accomplish them.
editing your words can come in handy so many times...
my roomies dog is whimpering now. i guess i should let him out. any one for coffee?? (i would love the company)

2001-10-17T09:01:00.000-04:00

why do relationships have to be so damn hard? i got off the phone with a person i have been dating for a long time now, and was more frustrated than when we began to talk. never a good sign. i did not do anything to warrant this last outlashing, yet it came. i think in psychology this is called displacement.
i cant really blame her though, i was expecting this much sooner. you see she is under a lot of stress, with school and work and the prospect of finding a real job. oh yeah and the little thing the doctor told her the other day; she may have the beginnings of cancer. you know the everyday stuff.
i have to admire her effort to portray a tuff image. you see, i am the one who is easily shattered, and so she just wanted to make sure i did not freak out and worry about her 24.7. i do worry and i do care, but at the same time it is hard when i am her scapegoat for frustrations.

cancer... wow. that is a pretty harrowing prospect. like i said below i have been in a hospital enough times to know sickness, but when it is that close to me. something about the whole situation hits you, kind of makes you numb.
i have another person who i was friends with for a short time... i guess we shall see.

2001-10-16T11:24:00.000-04:00

interesting how one turn of events can seem to separate you from people you care about. i felt really alone last night. ended up going to study over coffee with one of my former youth. she im-ed me and asked if i was up to anything, so we met there and caught up for a short time. i tried to seem not so interested(i have been told that i often do portray interest), i think it may have worked too well. she asked me once or twice if i needed to go. i did not think i was that antsy, perhaps though that was just it, so still.
it is so weird to look at them now, when five years ago they were just in high school, still wide eyed. now the appearance game has taken over for some, some are too jaded to care. i felt so old last night. but then again i feel old quite often.
i was supposed to greet the sun on the east coast of florida today, had camera in hand and new film. but the alarm for my clock never went off. i guess i need to replace the batteries. i have failed at keeping yet another promise, i was supposed to wake my roomie and we were to drive out and see the sun rise. damn those batteries. tomorrow will afford another chance, i think i may try then, perhaps thursday depending on the weather.
the cursor blinks demanding my input, but i dont know the words to write. maybe i will find them. until i do...

2001-10-15T15:40:00.000-04:00

the truck pulls up a street i can see perfectly in memory, though i have been here only once. past the small town golf course and a little further up the road will be my grandfather's house. i was last here at age ten. thirteen years have changed the landscape only minimally, small towns never really change. just to the left of the house is the drive, we pull in. the soft roar of the diesel engine dies, and so does my will. i sit in the truck for few minutes until the sun heats the artificially cold air.
doors open and close, the unbearable summer heat is once again brought to full attention. we walk up to the house where my grandfather waited inside. it was surprisingly bright inside, i expected the darkness of death to have overtaken the once cheerful home. i am told that my grandfather is sleeping, "he will wake in a few hours." the back of the house has evaded our attention, though that is where my entire family is focused. i find myself being pulled to the back rooms, beyond my room, beyond the bathroom that i would use, and at the door of my grandfather's room. a chill overcomes me as i reach for the door.
i have grown up in hospitals all of my life. i have been sick enough times to be comfortable with people who are, and have been around enough death, though anonymously, to last anyone several lifetimes. medicine, doctors machines and surgery do not scare me, i want one day to be a doctor. i have a love for helping people, taking care of those hurting, those who are ill. none of that seems to come to mind as my left hand touches the door knob. with a twist and a push i am in the room peering through the darkness, i knew was in the house somewhere. my eyes are drawn to the blinking green and yellow lines. the gentle hum of the oxygen pump provides a cover in which to hide my own shallow breaths. the delicate balance of life is ever more apparent in this grim scene. i watch, until a hand rests upon my shoulder. a scene containing three generations of men is painted somewhere in my mind. the door closes, and just as i was pulled to the end of the hall i am now pushed away from it; neither of my own will nor against it.

2001-10-14T23:31:00.000-04:00

stepping out into the texas heat i realize the anger burning inside me is one that i have been harboring, trying to justify for my entire life. bags and burdens seem heavier in this heat, as though they swell in the furnace of the desert sun. placing the bags in my fathers truck the load is lightened on my arms, but my soul feels like i need a forklift to move. i reluctantly climb in to the cab knowing that we will soon have to talk.
my father has never been good at communication, our most fluid conversations often revolve around trivialities. this day would be no different. weather, cars, jobs and women are brought up in discussion. upon leaving city limits there is less and less to see, we begin to talk less and less. the awkwardness of the situation rises again.
"so, how is he?" i ask, after what feels like eons
"not too good, but he is stubborn."
i think that statement fits any one of the male gender on my father's side of the family. stubborn, so much so that neglect to ourselves and what is good would be gladly traded for being the one to not cave.
my father is just as stubborn as his senior. to prove a point to my mother he did not speak to us for almost four years. missed my high school graduation, did not even call that year, for christmas, birthdays or anything else. yeah, his point was proven.
i think the last hour and a half of the ride was made in silence, maybe a word here or there, nothing of substance. my father is an interesting man, looking at him you would think trouble. he is covered in artist's ink, has a rather large presence, and can just look down right mean. one of the things i look forward to most though is his embrace, knowing one day i might have his approval. funny how such an intimidating man can evoke desire for paternal affection. looking over i see heavy calluses worn into his hands from many days hard at work, furrows in his brow, and the tolls taken by his addiction. i see the heart of a man who has wandered many years in his life, one that is still looking for its home. his eyes have seen the world and all of its joys and horrors. his hands... beneath the calluses i know there is a tenderness, i know his touch could be soft.

2001-10-14T14:47:00.000-04:00

as i get into my car i know that my final destination is far, far off still. as one mode of transportation gives way to another, i watch the people stuff all of their belongings into bins over their heads. i watch as the older man in the aisle next to me shuffles his newspaper before finally taking his seat. a few rows up, just barely four years old she cranes her neck over her mothers lap, wanting to see the world that will soon be passing her by. i wonder, would i someday be like this parent so unintentionally robbing joy from my children. and i too have my rituals getting on to planes making sure that my bag is neatly tucked away in front of me, that i have water, and of course spearmint gum.
the flight passes with out significance, the older man cradling his newspaper still, and the young girl on occasion dodging her mothers arms to glance out of the window. with a few dings, and an anonymous voice over the intercom the passengers are some how magically told to begin their anxious behaviors. each person gathering their things and waiting.
i wanted to wait forever. this is a flight for some that would bring a joyous reunion, for others work or vacation from work. but for me, it was a flight that was bringing me a little closer to my own mortality. you could tell just by the way people were walking up the ramp, what type of visit they were going to have. mine was a slow walk. knowing there was a whole world out there that would not just pass me by, one that would soon face me whether i wanted it to or not.
he was standing there at the terminal, just like he had when i was younger. this time things were different, he was older just as i was, but there was more. you could see the exhaustion behind his eyes, a tiredness that comes form worry, from lack of sleep and from fear. what was once an awkward meeting was made even more so by the situation at hand.
i am not close to my father, never have been. i would suppose that it has something to do with the lack of his presence during my childhood. an unspoken animosity lies in wait for any time we would choose to communicate. there is something that overcomes that though. a few years ago my father had a heart attack, he was only 41. his father had his first at 32. now my grandfather was on the verge of losing the battle he had been waging for nearly a quarter of a century.
for years my grandfather has been on and off of the transplant list. losing his status because the doctors would find out he had resumed smoking, or because he would not exercise. his condition was largely his own fault, it was hard to feel sorry for him. but as i said there is something that overcomes in situations like these.

the ride from the airport takes about two hours.

2001-10-14T08:27:00.000-04:00

i want to write. but i have no time i was supposed to be on my way to church in 20 min. i dont even have a shower taken. arrrrggghhh

2001-10-10T14:36:00.000-04:00

i suppose there are those more dedicated than i. i seem to find the time to come here and write my thoughts just every so often. not enough to warrant every day reading by anyone, not even enough for any one to really care. but every once in a while there is something that makes me sit in front of the phosflourescent glowing box and press the keys beneath my finger tips.
i have spent the last week in serious conflict. suffice it to say that my soul has definitely been torn between choices. this has been also a stressful week. i am looking for a new car. not as though this some daunting task that could never be accomplished, but the process of acquiring this vehicle is one that takes much effort and many steps for which often i find myself unprepared. i went to the bank yesterday and told them that i would like to borrow some money for this car... no problem i am thinking, but the possibility of someone coming back to you and telling you "no" is one that is a might bit scary. not because i have never heard no, but because of the value judgement they are placing upon you in granting or denying your request. telling you that you are definitely trust worthy, or telling you we would not trust you with a bucket of horse poop. (ok perhaps that is an extreme)
none the less this something that i have been thinking about a good bit. how important is a name. when people hear of you, what do they think? is there this gladness that your were mentioned, or do people speak of disdain at your mention? people used to cherish their name trying to do everything beyond reproach in hopes of not tarnishing something more fragile than even the most delicate of flowers.
i wonder, when people hear my name what is thought of?
and so i sit with the events of recent past in my mind, knowing that i am doing nothing but helping to provide fuel for a funeral pyre that will soon be burning wildly. i have met someone who is completely amazing, and whom i enjoy spending time with very much. there is one slight problem... yeah that i am already in a committed relationship. like the junkie knowing they are killing themselves by injecting the euphoria into their veins, i choose not to cut back or to withdraw from her presence, but instead i find myself spending more time with her. ever met someone who being around makes you feel so at peace because of who they are? it is truly an amazing feeling. i think friendship is what is best, but once that line has been crossed, once you know there is the possibility of more...
sigh.
all in all this has been an interesting week. i have gotten to know a woman that amazes me with every word, and every moment we spend together. getting to know someone that is so real you can scarcely think you are doing something other than dreaming. so... yeah i like her, and that is dangerous. because i care, i want to protect her from those things that would creep up and cause pain, from where she has been, and form where she will go. and at the same time i know. i know that i am to be a source of pain for her as well. not out of my own desire, but of inevitability. so i try to protect her from myself. and i can promise you that the bias is strong. i am not a good person by any means. i think, perhaps if i tell all that is wrong with me, there wont be any way any one could like me. maybe if i just run and hide away in my books and keep completely to myself. then again i could always... always what? i cant even stop looking her direction when we are in the same room.
perhaps i have shared to much. i could go on for what seems like hours. but i must stop for now... oh the life of someone who is blessed beyond measure. if only...

2001-09-21T09:08:00.000-04:00

a small victory to say the least. like an olympic sprinter out running a 3 year old. so i found out what was wrong... pressed the wrong button and my changes had not taken effect so there was no result. but now i have my very own e-mail address on here and some of my friends blogs as well.
yet though i have defeated these lines of code i still feel it is a hollow victory, knowing the truth of how much could overwhelm me if i really tried.

2001-09-21T09:04:00.000-04:00

so i edited the code on my blog, hoping that it would work. i made only simple substitutions but some how things have gone south, and none of the changes i have made have taken effect, as of yet. time to consult those who know more than i... i will let you know the results in a few (days hours months... we shall see

2001-09-20T02:28:00.000-04:00

it has been quite some time since i have posted here. and now it seems silly to try to play catch up to an anonymous reader. but some how i am strangely compelled to write. as though my words would bring freedom from the burden of my heart. but to whom am i writing and why does this mystical person bring respite from my troubles? i may not know, but i do believe that i am not the only one who writes to escape; to feel as though they are heard.

so i am sitting having resolved the conflict that i had with my wonderful friend, knowing that i should now be able to talk with her at great length about anything. how ever i find myself hindered. by what i know not. i wish i had stronger resolve. but then again i wish a great many things.

i am now gainfully employed by a church. i am their "youth director" this seems odd for i am not even old enough to have youth of my own yet people are entrusting me with their most precious gifts. in a way it is a little scary. for example i was supposed to e-mail the pastor about something tonight. i cant even begin to remember what it was. i am going to call them in the morning and explain my absent mindedness. i find this quite humorous and yet a little harrowing at the same time. yet there is a joy in this work. i love to teach, and to see that spark when an eye is caught. when you know they are just on the edge of discovery. that makes everything worth it. sigh... to be young again. to laugh at my own imagination instead of being frightened by it. to be able to find beauty in such simplistic things. young children are marvelous for they are so completely honest. there is not a thing that they would with hold from any one around them. they see the redemption of things long unsalvageable to older "wiser" people. i am but a skeptic learning to overcome his cynical point of view, and who better to show me than one who has barely encountered the world.
kind of like the smell of a new day, something you dont notice in the city. but every once in a while you are surprised and you cant quite figure out what hit you. hopefully if you are lucky you will, it will come to you and you will nod in appreciation, perhaps even smile.

the dawn of a new day has come, and i can tell. i am not quite sure how, but it will come to me

2001-08-27T10:56:00.000-04:00

sometimes i miss my family so much, i realize this even more so when i am with them. i got to go home this weekend, and see my little (ok not so little) brother, and my mom. i pulled into the town that they live in, and called my mom's house. i told her that i was in town and would love to meet her for dinner. the adventure came in trying to find my brother, i had to drive to his school on a saturday night and look for him. just as i was pulling into the drive his ride was pulling out. there was a scramble to make sure he saw me. we caught up and i told him we were going to dinner. i had even arranged a date for him, harmony's sister was there with the rest of her family. cute girl and he turned her down. i almost admire his resolution to spend time with his friend. but at the same time i would have loved to spend a little more time with him than a 5 min conversation.

so our families (sans nigel) went to eat at a good mexican restaurant and then it was a departing of friends. it is always good to see such dear people, but the departure is not something i look forward to.

we went rock climbing last night, i miss it. there is a challenge in defeating an inanimate object. about disciplining and tuning your body to be able to make the contortions that are necessary in order to scale the wall. i want to do this more. perhaps i will have the time.

2001-08-25T02:12:00.000-04:00

everyone meets a person who will affect their life in a way no other person has. i have been blessed to find just a few people like this, and for the past 3 years i have maintained this friendship, though being much the negligent friend for periods of time. there have been moments that i knew for that instant that all of history had been worked to show me that point in time. these are people who inspire you, who push you further, not out of nagging or persuasiveness, but because who they are makes you want to strive to be more. i have been so blessed.
perhaps my inability to convey truly what is intended has caused the demise of one of my dearest friendships. a woman i respect and admire, not only for her character, but for her faith as well. perhaps what is most frustrating to me is that i dont know exactly what i did wrong. i would love to be able to reconcile our friendship. but i dont know how.
and so i sit, trying with all my might to learn this lesson of life. somewhat like falling down a flight of stairs, and figuring out after the bruises and scrapes, that those steps in the middle cant be forgotten. much of who i am seems summed up in one certain statement "if you know me you will eventually be let down" and it seems that this statement comes true once again.
not to be so morose, but my heart feels as though it is made of lead, so i share with you my grief. i had quite a wonderful evening sharing my time with friends, not thinking on the events of the past few days. of the setbacks i have faced this week.
i am supposed to apply to pharmacy school this year. but the one class i need was full, and the waiting list did not prove enough time to wait. so i will have to postpone further succession in my scholastic life yet another year. with every day that passes i feel as though i am aging years. i know the struggle that faces so many people, the desire to be in something more than the nebulous state of a college student. something that would give you a sense of ownership. not of material possessions, but of the future, to know that you actually will do and "be" something, anything.
i see so many hopes felled by the cruelty of time, and of the hand that knows better than i, where to guide my life. we played trivial pursuit. how funny so many times our lives seem to be trivial pursuits of an ether. this substance, that would comprise all that may be, but can never be grasped.
well i am certain that i may once again grow close to dear friends, and i am certain that i will once again hurt them. but may i hope that through the contact of others that i may be such a friend to others, that i may, in return have such a friend again.

ahh the trivialities of a simple life. funny because the easiest color by number can become so confusing with the box of 64 crayons. may your life be seen in simple boxes of 8.

2001-08-20T16:01:00.000-04:00

so if you could, and those you really wanted to see would, what would you say on here? i dont htink i will recreate my thoghts from this morning, at least not for a while. not that i am trying to hide anything, but i have not the creative energies to venture on that path again.

i have come to value the relationships that my friends extend to me.

sleep is such a demon, it creeps up and attacks. i have this probelm; i am still not adjusted from west coast time. but i am tryng to resume a normal schedule here. so i am staying up late, and my body is waking up early. arrrrgggghhhh.

i think it is definately time for a nap. perhaps coffee later tonight, i may be inspired.

2001-08-20T09:27:00.000-04:00

an idea... type everything in word, and then transfer it over to your blog. i just lost an hour's thoughts. good stuff (at least i think)

2001-08-20T00:09:00.000-04:00

after a venti iced chai, i still feel the exhaustion of 100 days. it seems as though all i may posess , talents strength emotion, have nearly been sapped. but i know that i am home now, a time of respite,a time to... feel, more than just the guise put on to impress those you will never know. but to actually know people, and grow closer to good friends.
i am looking into the seemingly endless myriad of choices that must be made to shape my life, and i find almost an apathy of sorts. not as though i have no motivation, or desire. but that i, being disallousioned with much of the hustle of everyday life, have descided, only to be.
now i dont want you to think me pessimistic, but i tend to look on the darker side of things. i think myself to be more of an idealist, perhaps a jaded one, but an idealist none the less.
i would present myself to you as a person who is intense, in many respects. in my friendships, i am extremely loyal. in my relationships.. well, almost tragicly so, i am emotionaly intense. i love with abandon, looking to pour out on the object of my affection all that i can. this has gotten me into trouble on occasion, but is the only way to be, in my opinion.
so, this being my first day, i have no ideal "blog"; no one i am modeling myself after, in fact i have never even read another blog.
if my thoughts provoke a reaction from you i would love to know. until again

2001-08-19T21:15:00.000-04:00

many swirling thoughts much to discuss, but first the fuel of all thought, and perhaps the world, coffee...