it has been well over seven months since i have posted anything here. the last post was in reference to a fantastically expensive piece of jewelry that i purchased in effort to symbolize the love and commitment i have for the woman who is to become my wife. i have spent the last few months toiling away at a job i knew would end. i have been working so that i may provide for the family i will one day have. (and for a few nice things for myself here and there) i think though the one thing i missed most about not working 7:30-5:00 was the sun light. there is so much of it. it is amazing how it can fill whole rooms, when what you are used to is fake fluorescent lighting. you don’t realize how much people are impacted by the lack of light.
people in alaska, during the longest night, have false sunlight bulbs because the natural light is essential to a person's well being.
i am reminded of necessities in life when i am driving most often. not because driving is some form of meditation (anything but) but that is when my mind has time to itself and time to course over the winding and often rugged back roads in life. i have time to miss people and wonder why we do that. time to wonder how polarized sunglasses work. if people see colors or taste or see sounds differently than others. i have time to wonder why i am loved at all and how it is that a woman so incredible would even begin to tolerate me. or how i would have even done the same. there is time to think of the plans i have made, that will either fail or succeed, and the repercussions of either event. time to talk to people i have missed, and people i have just finished seeing. the car is a great place to think, if only we could have it be a helper to follow through.
i am not so much a following through person. i am good with ideas and good with planning, but if you were to have actually complete my idea... well there might have to be a small task force behind that one. i started cleaning today. you know that point of cleaning where there is actually a bigger mess than there was to start? that is where i got disillusioned and began looking over my auctions pending on e-bay, looking at guitars i cant afford and wondering why when i just got one that was a stretch for me to buy in the first place. (it sounds amazing though) and again i am having the strong urge to not finish what i sat down to do (which in all truth was an attempt to nit finish what i had set out to do before that and so on...) which is to give an update of sorts to where i am and what i am doing for those of you who may run across this page in your attempts to not finish what you have started.

so... how would you describe the last 8 months of your life
"you don’t go for small talk do you? well they have been incredibly busy. i am learning probably far more about medication that i would have ever expressed interest in as a child. and then there is the whole working at the church thing. which is pretty good with the exception of having to be there every sunday and never visiting my friends at their churches or not having a full weekend to relax with your fiancé. umm then there is that feeling that you are slowly getting older, you have more money but it goes oh so fast, and you realize there is so much that you want to do in life, but there are responsibilities that must be met... and on and on. you know general mid twenties type stuff."
unh huh, and what about this alleged "woman in your life"
"that would be harmony. she is great. really i don’t think any one has ever made me feel more at ease or rounded me out better than she does. i have dated a few people here and there messed up plenty of times. but i think all of it was to show me how wonderful that "one" person will be in your life. it is really kind of an interesting story... but i will save that one for later. lets just say that yes she is the woman i am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with. she really is something special.
and how about the people in the town where you used to live?
"i actually talk to them a good bit more now (within the past few months) than i have in a long time. it is very important for me to make sure my roots are well established. and i very much do not want to loose my friends who were and still are so very dear to me. i miss them all, more that i realized i would. so much so that i haven’t even spent time here trying to make new friends but have racked plenty of miles on my car going back and forth to see them. the people in my college town were very influential in my life as it has taken shape and i am thankful for them daily. "
well people are probably thinking that you are a little strange for interviewing yourself, so lets end it here.
"ok"

today i have made the second largest purchase of my thus far lived life. not that the amount of money is anything, but the reason i bought this item is far more than its value could ever feign to be.

i miss every one else too

eyes weary and red, a stomach that aches with dull hunger. there is little more i would like to do now than to shut the world from my sleep heavy eyes. my soul is tired my friends are far, and i wonder if they float farther through the night. maybe i can keep them for a moment or two, like a child trying to hold the snowflake to show mom. somehow i think they may be melting, or is it me? memory seems to serve if what you want is cold meatloaf. sometimes i feel like i am little more than reheated lima beans; others like a filet mignon.
i would probably whine about something if there was nothing to complain about, and so i must be content in what i do have now. i know i have friends who love me, though distant they may seem. i know i have my family, they may never forsake me, and i know i have my saviour. a God who patiently scrubs me of my filth and nastiness. one that wants to present me (at times the most vile creature on earth) as pure and perfect to himself. why i may never know but i know one thing... i am his. may joy never cease. this, like any other night, is one that he would gladly have cold meatloaf and reheated lima beans just because he wanted them.
maybe the rain will bring freshness to the day, perhaps the downpour will continue to soak the earth. Lord knows we need more than just rain. it has been a long day. a good day, but long. (maybe those are the best kind) i love you guys; chris, andrew and sam.

"are you serious?" i ask myself. i cant believe it has already been more than a month since you began this job. in some ways it feels so short as if i only just left my college town behind. but in others i feel the age that i have now accepted slowly creeping up on me. while watching fight club (or maybe it was office space) there was a short phrase that was overlooked but tucked away in the back of my mind... "we are meant for more than this." i work inside all day to come home and barely have the energy to eat dinner, much less actually enjoy the remaining 7 hours in the day. there must be more than working so that i can have stuff, there must be.
i did not realize growing up would mean doing so little. i work and i eat, there is sleep and the occasional book thrown in as well. i dont have cable so you really cant blame my lack of excitement on the boob tube. i have become the worker ant serving his colony, but i will rise, i will rise, rise, rise. one day i will be enjoying my work. right?
i got the text book for what i am told will be my hardest class ever, medicinal chemistry. it is an understated book, just a plain blue cover with blue words, nothing fancy. here is what i was told by the pharmacist i work for about this text book "it's a good read." ??? please raise your hand if you too think he may be just a bit off the deep end. the next book i get from him is going to be the one that prepares me for the georgia state board of certification for pharmacists. yes i am 3 years early but it never hurts to be prepared does it?
i went to gainesville a couple of weeks ago and had dinner with some good old friends and a couple of new people as well. it was good to be back in that town and to feel the lack of cares that a college life affords. i knew i was different but i did not want to be. i miss the days of doing nothing if that is what i wanted to do. i was poor as dirt, but dirt is every where, even in the richest mans house. i had the freedom to go as i pleased, or to stay if i so chose. i think more than my freedom i miss the people i had in gainesville. the people there were the only close friends i have had for the past years. i miss having companionship. having roommates to scrape up the change from your laundry hamper to get chinese food, or buying beer instead of real food. i miss groping along the same obscured path, but knowing you were not the only one trying to find your way. i miss being able to show those people i love them as much as i do, and knowing they do the same, even if we were just bumming around the house.
i dont think i fully realized the way my roomies and friends affected me until i moved away. i am thankful for the blessing of knowing them and having them be a part of my life.
it is now 10:30 WAY past my bed time. i think i will sleep for a bit, but i will write more soon...

it is official. i am starting a new job on monday. i got the call yesterday afternoon. went kind of like this...
"hello?"
"hey, christian it is your mom."
"hey, whats up? is everything ok?"
"yeah. what do you think about working the 17th through 21st and then 5 hours on the 24th and then having off until the second?"
"say that again."
she does and i respond...
"ARE YOU SERIOUS???"
this was such a blessing for i thought i would have to wait until the 2nd of jan to start as it was. now i can begin to save money towards the many big purchases i have in the up coming months. ok and also i was not sure i was going to get hired. i am supposed to get my test results back to tell if i am eligible to work in the pharmacy. however, they want to hire me having not even seen those results. yeah i am a little pumped about that one. still though this is my last weekend here in gainesville. we are going to outback tonight, a kind of going away party, last hoorah type of deal. i cant do too much tonight, as i have to be at the church all day tomorrow 1)helping the youth with their service project 2)we have our staff christmas party that night as well. and ten after that i have to drive up to ga pick up mom's truck and start bringing stuff up moving is always so, so , so much fun. there are so many little things to take care of, so much stuff that i was thinking i had time to do.
i heard some of my friends were going up to athens last night, i was a little sad that i was not asked. would have been a good surprise and have provided ample distraction for harmony from her finals. reading jason's blog this morning though proved my desires would have proved futile indeed.then talking with harmony i am glad i did not make that trek had it proved to be successful, for she has just finished her work within the past 2 hours. yes that was even pulling an all nighter. still the chance to be around people i was close to last night was appealing, so i went to a wine and cheese party. nice upscale social gathering, no where near as uncomfortable as large gatherings. it was good to be surrounded by people i have known for at least a year or so on that one of my last days here. my shower is calling me.

after an hour and a half working in the pharmacy today i am certain that i can do this, especially for approx 12 an hour. there is definitely nothing extraordinarily hard about it, a little use of people skills and making sure you follow directions. so why do pharmacists make so much money?? i will definitely be looking forward to getting out of pharmacy school, though the sticker price of going is going to kill me i am sure. i have to get ready for my usual wednesday night youth program now, i will be on the road in less than an hour. this is my last full weekend in gainesville. (i think) kind of weird to mull over that in my head. so much to be done... but that is why the holidays are here right? to make our lives more complex, and to stress us out?? if not then some one ought to tell the world to slow down just a bit and realize there is more to life than they see. holidays are not commercialism glitzed up but a time to rejoice for the grace given to man kind. even "we" forget about it. the church often gets sucked right in, not so much with the commercialism, though christianity has been made one big consumer item, but with the business of the season. forgetting that serving is not all we are called to do, we are called to worship, we are called... and that in itself is enough to marvel about.

a morning listening to the rain fall to the sound of good music. the bitterness of the coffee i am drinking now is overwhelming. but it is coffee, and though not my favorite brand it is at least somewhat resemblant of it. there has been a mist covering the sky, hovering over the ground for almost 2 days now. a concealing haze, as though there were something the world was trying to hide from my eyes, some great splendor, clothed in mystery. the chill in the air brings me closer to the feeling of being home. i will definitely be glad to have colder weather, to have family with me.

i am leaving the only place i have known as home in my short adult life. but the strange thing is, i am going home??? events and people have shaped my life, as i have been a tool for shaping others. i like to think of chris' student id picture and his driver's license picture; knowing some where in between i came. it has been wonderful being able to have a constant friend for so much of the time i have been in gainesville. we have been roommates for 3 years now, chris and i. this is quite possibly the longest most significant relationship i have had with a person of the male persuasion in my life. strange isnt it how we are provided with blessings with out even asking for them. i dont think i would have ever asked to know chris, i did not even know he existed. but now he will be the best man at my one day wedding, he is my closest confidante and my best friend.
the past month i have known i would probably be moving back north and living with mom for the next 8 months, while i work in a pharmacy. it has definitely been a time of reflection, a time that i have looked forward to and a time that i have dreaded. i have to tell myself daily that this move is good, and i have to remind myself why i am not already gone five minutes later... if ever there was a paradox. i suppose life will continue with out the people i know being by my side. all of the others i knew when i moved to gainesville 5 years ago have not ceased to live. though, they have long since begun to fade from daily memory; being dredged up with a nostalgic reference here or there. i miss those people, sometimes. i am afraid this is what will happen with the people i leave behind. i will move on, remembered but forgotten by those left behind. i am afraid that i too will forget, and there will be a void just as before their entrance into my life.
fears of leaving cause this old man to stay in the town who no longer needs him, fears of leaving keep us safe, fears of leaving cement relationships, while they build up walls to match that pace. i have grown old, i can see where i dont belong, but am i too damn scared or maybe just too tired to try leaving this town.

so i have taken a reprieve from writing here. this was not due to my unfortunate early demise, nor was it the cause of aliens who thought i would make a perfect specimen. (though these two would have made for far better stories) my absence, if you even noticed i was absent, was in fact due to the large volume of reading i have done in the past four days. i have consumed more than 1600 pages in that time frame. more than i usually read in a month or two. i like so many others have found myself being pulled deeper and deeper into the world of Harry Potter. i read the first book the day of the premier, and then saw the movie that night. this week while up in georgia, i acquired a copy of the second in the series, and consumed its contents in less than a day. this started my quest for the third, and finally the fourth books.
all in all i would say that i am pleased having read them, and am looking forward to the fifth book coming out soon. but more than harry potter, i am glad to be reading again. it has been quite some time since i have had an appetite for reading. now, that appetite seems unable to be assuaged. the next books i am going to read are those in the lord of the ring series. i will not be the hermit i have been the past four days though. my mom does not have tv, and i would rather read than watch it any way so when i finish my day of work, i will come home and begin to read something. i suppose it will give me something to look forward to at the end of the day, meeting new people, and seeing their lives unfold on the pages before me. weaving a fabric of imagination so delicate and so complex, only could perceive the intricacies held within.
any suggestions for me once i have finished those?? good morning

there is this little film i mentioned earlier in my blog. i have found the joy of a new trailer that is downloadable. and i am going to have to buy the dvd of episode 1 so i can see the other new trailer that is only seen when you look at the web site with the dvd in your computer...
"with 2 new characters, the dwarf and the wizard. WOW the dwarf has a battle axe" -guy at block buster that i made fun of a while back
"wow a special website with the dvd" -me being made fun of by all normal people...
i am a dork, but at least i know it right? i mean i pretend to be cool, but really i am not. i know i never will be, and i know that all of my striving only proves how desperate an attempt it is for me to try being cool. i like books and sci-fi (yes star-trek included) i am a big nerd. i guess thats why it is not all that odd i would choose a profession which surrounds me with medicine all day long. i would just be there making sure people were right. and that i knew everything about most of the drugs in my immediate surroundings. i am going to be a pharmacist. but i will try to be a cool one. there is always the exception to the rule, right?? isnt there? please tell me it isnt so...

i got it working, i got it working, i got it working...
i cam home and installed dsl on my mom's computer, and it works, hahaha! i think i would normally have a beer right now. yes that would be good. but she only has nerds, and reese's cups. to bed then. smiling though...

i must say... the people at snorland were very helpful. they gave me this reply within hours of my e-mail requesting help.

"I've found the problem.. it seems that when you installed Snorcomments, you
accidentally knocked a > off your < HEAD > tag.. most unfortunate... if you
take a look..

" < HEAD < SCRIPT"

should be:

" < HEAD > < SCRIP"

something so small, and yet totally debilitating. isnt that always the case. now i can go back about my exciting life, playing guitar, and hoping i might one day be good enough that people would want to listen to my songs as much as i want to listen to theirs. i suppose that is the reason for the comment boxes, to know what others think. even if they think it is total bs, just to know that there was some sort of spark there.
i am soon back on the road for another exciting trip home (seriously). this one however, includes visits to the hair stylist, family, and friends in south georgia. sometimes i think it odd i drive nearly 1 hour and 15 min just to get my hair cut. but i am loyal to quality i suppose. the same guy has been cutting my hair for nearly 9 years. i get all of my groceries from one store, i like certain tooth paste, and electronic stuff. ahh the joy of a repeat customer. but then again, i can be quite a pain if i am poorly treated... loyalty in its finest.

i have to get ready for youth and for the trip north. wish me luck, big news may be coming soon... and a move too.